Zombies

Zombie dream last night. Mehran, my brother, my sister, and I had to quickly pack what we thought we'd need to escape our quickly transformed parents. Great-Grandma was fully converted into a zombie, but she was super slow (heck, she's 90), so we were able to make it out.

I'd like to think that this is somehow applicable to my life, but I'm having trouble seeing it. Suggestions? I've never been one for reading into dreams, usually because mine involve Mario, Harry Potter, flying, and catastrophic natural disasters that require great feats of bravery, often in the same dream. Apparently my brain is on crack the second my head hits the pillow. Mehran often reports that I talk in my sleep, laugh in my sleep, and occasionally wind up on the floor actively trying to save us from flooding or skull crushing steal beams. Poor guy, probably just wants to sleep.

I've felt a shift since my big revelation. For one thing, I get up easier in the morning, probably because I know I won't have to do this forever. The thought of working a rather uninteresting job (or jobs) is a hard motivator in the morning. BUT, when there' an end in sight, things look a bit sunnier. Also, I'm back to my usual list-making self, which, for those of you who know me very well, is the sign of a very happy and productive Katie.

Here's a list of happy things:

1. There is cream-cheese apple tart in the fridge
2. I have worn a light jacket and a scarf for TWO DAYS IN A ROW
3. Mehran put the new Red Hot Chili Pepper's album on my iPod and I've been dancing in my wheely chair all day.

Here's a list of apple things I am going to bake:

1. Apple coffee cake
2. Apple crisp
3. Apple pie
4. Apple dumplings
5. Apple molasses cookies
6. ??? Have a delicious recipe that you would love to share? I will make it and feature it here!

And here is a list of my favorite autumn things:

1. Foodsplosions of every denomination. Cinnamon, especially.
2. Super crunchy leaves. And leaves that smack you in the face as you're walking down the sidewalk, as if to say, “It's autumn, bitch!”
3. Smells. Baking smells, fireplace smells, leaf smells, and the smells of 10 different types of candy in an oversize pumpkin bowl. You know the smell.
4. Cool, crisp air. Having to wear slippers in my apartment
5. Sweaters. Wooly ones.
6. Scarves that are so big they can be used as blankets
7. Boots that make really loud click-y noises
8. Disney's Robin Hood
9. Snuggling.

Things we've learned today: Great-Grandma zombies pose no real threat, you can make almost anything out of apples (please, is this really news?), and I'm autumn obsessed (which is also hardly news if you're my Groupon co-worker, or if you've met me).

Cheers!

Katie

Happy

Happy.  So happy.

I received a bunch of wonderful feedback from so many of you - some identifying with my feelings, some offering words of encouragement, and others who just wanted to let me know that they read it.  I think you're all fabulous.

And instead of being self-indulgent and writing ya'll an update on my life again, I will post pictures of food.  Trust me, you won't be sorry.

The first is of a cream cheese apple tart.  It is delicious, but gave me quite the trouble in the oven as it spilled over a bit.

Cinnamon, sugar, and apples.  It made the house smell amazing!  Gosh, I love autumn.

Before baking

Finished product

And for dinner....

White bean chicken chili that spent the afternoon in the slow-cooker.  yum!

Life is good.

Soul Scouring

When I was in second grade I knew EXACTLY what I was going to be when I grew up. I carefully chose my crayons, thoughtfully drew the outline of my adult self. I made sure her eyes were brown, that her hair was brown, and that she had a big smile on her face. I made sure the dress she wore had lots of color. And then I began drawing what could easily be identified as my profession – a microphone. I wanted to perform. But I didn't stop there, I kept drawing. I drew myself with three kids around me while I sang, and that completed what I knew I had to become: The Famous Singing Mommy!

Since then many things have happened. I've gone through school, given up soccer for theatre, met friends, lost friends, went to college, changed majors, studied acting, and performed in tons of shows. Since my most recent big life change (moving), and perhaps a little bit before, I've had many discussions with myself. They go a little like this:

“Self?”

“Oh, hey!”

“Yeah. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????”

And then I implode.

I've just been noticing myself changing, perhaps I'm becoming more of an adult? Maybe I'm just away from what is comfortable, so I'm able to step back and see myself more clearly? Who knows. But I definitely feel a shift. I notice my very talented friends and peers sacrifice everything for the sake of their art; some going into debt, many working awful day jobs, no real roots – which makes it easier to go on tour for a year or move across the country for a while. It's part of what makes acting exciting, and is what makes them (often) successful. And while I work hard at monologues, classes, auditioning, and rehearsals, I realize that the other part, the part that requires the actor to lead the selfish (in the best possible way) lifestyle, is something I don't think I have within me. I love the craft, not the business.

I love so many different things and want so much for my life, and career success is part of it, but not all of it. It's not the only component to my happiness.

I want love, family, friends, theatre, baking elaborate desserts, outdoors, music, food, vacations that are planned in advance, children, brand new puppies (!), spontaneous day-trips, a house, time at the cabin, birthdays/anniversaries/holidays celebrated on the day that they occur on the calendar, art fairs, lazy weekends, exciting nights out, parades, hikes in the woods, music rehearsals, farmer's markets, long runs with my best friend, working in the yard until it gets dark out, Sunday afternoons spent reading, and on and on and on.

So I look at my life. And I look at how many of the people I love who have had to postpone many of these things for their art. Not that a life in theatre means you can't have some of these things, it's just that having the career I would want in acting, to the degree I would want, would mean sacrificing much of that list. And I see the track I'm on: Working menial jobs for 40 hrs a week with no sense of permanency or no real opportunity for advancement. I get to go to rehearsals for 4-5 hours a night, which are fun and creative and deep and cathartic, but they don't allow me the time to do the other thousand things I crave to do. And for some that's okay. I used to think that was okay for me, too.

So I think it's time I be honest with myself. When I was six I knew I wanted to be a singer. I knew I loved to perform, that I was good at it, and that I loved working to get better. But I also knew I was destined to serve other roles in my life, and I don't want forget the 1 million other parts of me.

So I'm going to explore other ways to be artistic – I think I'll take some guitar or piano lessons after Evita, Mehran and I have been talking about getting some recording equipment, and of course I'll continue with theatre, but I think it's a different relationship now. I'm exploring other possibilities. I'm rolling over my 401K into a Roth IRA – I'M A CRAZY WOMAN!!

But both my mom and dad have told me this – I can't make a wrong move. How lucky is that, to have parents like that? And Mehran has given me his full support in either direction – he just wants me to live my life passionately. How lucky is that, to have someone love me like that?

I think I'm going to be okay. :)

(Oh, and since we last met, I made rice krispies treats and they are FANTASTIC. Always add less cereal – it makes them gooey-er and chewier.)