Soul Scouring

When I was in second grade I knew EXACTLY what I was going to be when I grew up. I carefully chose my crayons, thoughtfully drew the outline of my adult self. I made sure her eyes were brown, that her hair was brown, and that she had a big smile on her face. I made sure the dress she wore had lots of color. And then I began drawing what could easily be identified as my profession – a microphone. I wanted to perform. But I didn't stop there, I kept drawing. I drew myself with three kids around me while I sang, and that completed what I knew I had to become: The Famous Singing Mommy!

Since then many things have happened. I've gone through school, given up soccer for theatre, met friends, lost friends, went to college, changed majors, studied acting, and performed in tons of shows. Since my most recent big life change (moving), and perhaps a little bit before, I've had many discussions with myself. They go a little like this:

“Self?”

“Oh, hey!”

“Yeah. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????”

And then I implode.

I've just been noticing myself changing, perhaps I'm becoming more of an adult? Maybe I'm just away from what is comfortable, so I'm able to step back and see myself more clearly? Who knows. But I definitely feel a shift. I notice my very talented friends and peers sacrifice everything for the sake of their art; some going into debt, many working awful day jobs, no real roots – which makes it easier to go on tour for a year or move across the country for a while. It's part of what makes acting exciting, and is what makes them (often) successful. And while I work hard at monologues, classes, auditioning, and rehearsals, I realize that the other part, the part that requires the actor to lead the selfish (in the best possible way) lifestyle, is something I don't think I have within me. I love the craft, not the business.

I love so many different things and want so much for my life, and career success is part of it, but not all of it. It's not the only component to my happiness.

I want love, family, friends, theatre, baking elaborate desserts, outdoors, music, food, vacations that are planned in advance, children, brand new puppies (!), spontaneous day-trips, a house, time at the cabin, birthdays/anniversaries/holidays celebrated on the day that they occur on the calendar, art fairs, lazy weekends, exciting nights out, parades, hikes in the woods, music rehearsals, farmer's markets, long runs with my best friend, working in the yard until it gets dark out, Sunday afternoons spent reading, and on and on and on.

So I look at my life. And I look at how many of the people I love who have had to postpone many of these things for their art. Not that a life in theatre means you can't have some of these things, it's just that having the career I would want in acting, to the degree I would want, would mean sacrificing much of that list. And I see the track I'm on: Working menial jobs for 40 hrs a week with no sense of permanency or no real opportunity for advancement. I get to go to rehearsals for 4-5 hours a night, which are fun and creative and deep and cathartic, but they don't allow me the time to do the other thousand things I crave to do. And for some that's okay. I used to think that was okay for me, too.

So I think it's time I be honest with myself. When I was six I knew I wanted to be a singer. I knew I loved to perform, that I was good at it, and that I loved working to get better. But I also knew I was destined to serve other roles in my life, and I don't want forget the 1 million other parts of me.

So I'm going to explore other ways to be artistic – I think I'll take some guitar or piano lessons after Evita, Mehran and I have been talking about getting some recording equipment, and of course I'll continue with theatre, but I think it's a different relationship now. I'm exploring other possibilities. I'm rolling over my 401K into a Roth IRA – I'M A CRAZY WOMAN!!

But both my mom and dad have told me this – I can't make a wrong move. How lucky is that, to have parents like that? And Mehran has given me his full support in either direction – he just wants me to live my life passionately. How lucky is that, to have someone love me like that?

I think I'm going to be okay. :)

(Oh, and since we last met, I made rice krispies treats and they are FANTASTIC. Always add less cereal – it makes them gooey-er and chewier.)